Checks and Balances that Don't Work

I could rail on about the health care system, the abuse of the Emergency Room, the sad state of immigration and the job market ad nauseam, but I won't. Instead I will say I find it incredibly frustrating when incompetence on a company's part leads to me having to jump through massive hoops to get something corrected when a simple warning could have stopped all the drama.

As many of you know I am somewhat recently marred (advice...never change your name) and a freelance writer. One of my main contract sites, I won't name names, but I should, recently shut down my account (no warning) because my IRS data does not match my name. First, I have processed the paperwork and my name change is forthcoming but I cannot control what they have in the computer. Second, I have worked for you for over a year, why is this coming up now? Third, why didn't you warn me, ask for paperwork or at least give me a week to see where we are? And finally, I specifically kept my old name in the system because it hadn't been changed yet and asked to be published under a different name, you are the ones who decided in a fit of craziness to make all the names match. Pen names have been around since the dawn of time, Mark Twain, and now it is suddenly a problem?

Now, the IRS has no problem taking my tax money or understanding that I am married. I have a marriage license with my new name and a driver's license. A simple email could have taken care of this or a phone call but instead I am instantly suspended and have to wait for the situation to be rectified for me to withdraw the monies I have earned. I didn't do anything wrong! You put my pen name in the wrong box and now my name doesn't match, um whose fault is that? Let's move past that, how many stories have I seen/heard of people with a million different names working a million different places and maybe having the right paperwork or not. I submitted my passport and my social, that has not changed. My first name is rather unique and I am not playing a switcharoo type thing so what is the problem? I feel like I have been harshly punished for something I didn't do and something that is simply a clerical error.

I really just had to vent because I found it absurd. These are the types of things that make bureaucracies ineffective and serve to do nothing but punish those who are trying to "do the right thing." I am out there working, getting paid and doing it in my own way, not taking public assistance and finding a way to be productive in a harsh job market. No, wait, we don't like that so we will cut off your access. Seriously!?

I'm not Having Kids...It's Like Recycling

I accepted long before I got married people lack creativity when striking up conversation. This means no matter what milestone you hit they press to find out when you plan on hitting the next one. The obvious path for a relationship moves from couple to engagement to marriage to kids. The very moment you marry everyone asks, “when are you going to have kids?” Many couples have a predetermined answer for this as they expect the question the same way I do. I know they think but don’t speak, “give me a break, let us just be married for awhile,” but alas, others want a real answer. Press forward, keep paddling.

My husband and I had the obligatory conversation about children ultimately deciding it is not our thing. If you ever want to send a person into utter confusion as to what to say next, say you plan on NOT having kids. There’s nowhere to go with that. It’s actually a bit of fun to watch them struggle for a moment. But when they gather their wits the next obvious question hits you like a ton of bricks, “why not?” There are a plethora of reasons, some private some public as to why we decided not to have kids. Why does any person, especially one not in my inner circle think I should go through my entire life decision process with them? I find myself tempted to say something rude but that would not be fair, no need to insult them with a good, “why on Earth would you choose to saddle yourself with the financial and physical burden of children for the REST OF YOUR LIFE?” I, personally, am still wrapping my head around “forever” with my mate, a needy child sounds complicated. This answer irritates people.

I believe I stumbled across my new response to the question thanks to one of my favorite writers, David E. Kelley. Most people think of writers as the authors of books whereas in my world many of them create the visual accompaniment to my life via television. I am acutely aware of those who can write to my very mood and soul and Mr. Kelley has long done this with things like Ally McBeal, The Practice, and Boston Legal.

Currently he resurfaced to use his genius in a show entitled “Harry’s Law.” I found my inspiration. You see the greatest threat to the safety of our world and our resources is not global warming, the desecration of the rain forests or the massive use of plastic. The greatest threat to our precious Earth is over population. In the immortal words of David E. Kelley, “You can drive your Priuses, use your curly cue light bulbs, and recycle all you want, it still won’t save the planet. (sic) China’s one child law is actually the most progressive environmental law ever written." Nice! We all know when this law was in effect it was a disgrace as the people killed female babies. I would never condone such behavior but the rule of only having one child would really cut down on the growing population problem, we could actually decrease our numbers! If everyone accepted the child they had we could make a real difference, bigger than recycling. So I am doing my part, saving the planet by recycling and NOT having kids. Aren’t I environmentally golden!?

My Life as an Assistant

As you walk through life you should learn from every experience you acquire. You build from each of these individual moments, creating a thorough base of knowledge with which to navigate and interpret the world around you. But what happens when you seem to forget some of the lessons learned from previous? When you forget to apply these hard learned (sometimes painful) experiences to your everyday life? Disappointment. Frustration. Smacking your head directly into the corner of the door jam and repeating to yourself over and over again, “never give away the original.”

I forgot to transition lessons from my life as an assistant to my newfound role as wife. Now it is fairly obvious that the same rules would apply. I had assisted both men and women in my days working the lower level of the production ladder so I understand it is not a gender thing. There is something about being a boss and having an assistant that makes you somewhat inept. I am not slamming any of the people I worked for, I think they just became dependent on someone else always having the answer or the paperwork. Turns out a husband relies on you the same way, I should have known that…it’s logic.

As we navigate the great shed collapse of 2011 I make the mistake of answering Chris’s cell phone. When assisting others you avoid answering any phone not ringing directly at your desk. Do not answer the boss’s cell phone because you are then responsible for whatever the person on the other end is going to request. It always ends badly as the person likely request something they know the boss won’t like and they play to your sensibility, what they request sounds logical but they leave out key information. It is the one phone you can legitimately not answer without being in trouble, so just let it lie. Mistake one.

I am now firmly planted in the center of the shed issue and trying to figure out what we should do about the warranty. I put on my best problem solver cap to come up with a plausible excuse as to why we cannot take pictures right away and the kind lady on the other end of the line seems amenable to my solution. Perfect, great, she gives me her email address to send the photos upon completion. Being the organized person I am, I write all of this information, warranty number, ticket number, phone number on the same sheet of paper. Keep it all in one place, right? ONLY IF YOU ARE PUTTING IT IN THE COMPUTER. Mistake number two.

The final, extremely large mistake comes as I hand the piece of paper to my husband. When I look back on the moment I hear myself saying the words, “This ia all the information so put it someplace safe. Are you sure you don’t want me to keep it?” This is met with a large eye roll and an indignant, “I am organized,” response. I do not claim to be a good filer, I am not. I make piles, but I can always tell you EXACTLY what lies in each pile and can find what I set down. Chris loves everything put away. Trouble being he has no idea where he put it away.

I reluctantly hand over the piece of paper, as my brain says, no screams, “Write the email address down! Put it in your Entourage!” Did I listen? What do you think? Now we have the photos and after a full dissection of Chris’s desk we still don’t have the email address to send them to. We also lack the phone number to call and the warranty information and the ticket number. NEVER GIVE AWAY THE ORIGINAL. It’s Assisting 101. I can only hang my head in shame and know this is my fault, without a call log or a copy you get screwed every time. Never answer the cell phone and ALWAYS keep a copy.

What is Clutter?

Clutter/Disaster

My Neat

Chris's Neat

I never thought such a simple question could turn into an exestential conversation about the reality of our world and the things we choose to fill our lives with, but the simple word "clutter" can strike fear in the hearts of the OCD and questions in those who are sentimental. Unlike many couples, my husband and I are slightly reverse. I must say, I count myself hugely lucky that Chris likes to keep things neat and tidy as I have seen the other side with other men and it can be ugly. That being said, I need a place where I can be messy. I need a place where I can keep one or two pieces of paper out without being scolded. More importantly I need those things to stay where I leave them because what seems disorganized is logged in my head. But my personal filing system is an entirely different issue for which I should probably seek counseling.

I do not like lots of nick-nacks that must be dusted and cleaned, so I feel like this is a good thing. Those would be considered "clutter" in my mind. That being said, if someone has given me something, such as a ring holder, shot glass, or random decoration, I do sometimes have a hard time getting rid of it. I don't want to offend anyone, plus it means something to me. I have purged many such items in a desire to rid myself of things I do not need. I feel as though I am down to the bare minimum of such "cluttery" things, but Chris would beg to differ. He feels like any of these things are too many, with the exception of candles, anything that sits on a surface is clutter.

Many might agree with the assessment but I now reach out to other fellow readers. In Chris's mind, books are clutter. I'm sorry what? I have boxed up, sold or stored two bookshelves worth of books and only have one left. If he had his way the entire thing would be given to charity. I have tried to keep out only my list of books I must read, cook books, and the favorites you turn to when you just need some fluff. Apparently, still clutter. We agree to disagree and I put my one allowed bookshelf in the corner of the living room. On top of that, I try to keep all my "clutter" items on the same book shelf so he does not have to deal with it. It now simply elicits a sigh as he walks to our bedroom and must pass the dusty objects ranging as reminders of family, friends, and random events in my life.

Now we are onto the table and the counter. Things are not to be left in either place. I can accept this. I put out a "mail basket" where I place the mail I have not had time to deal with yet and I use my desk for storage of anything else. BUT, in typical hypocritical fashion, there has been a Sirus Satellite Radio manual on our counter for a week. Chris needs to call and find out why it isn't working. His work schedule is also on the counter. Oh, and he left out a small stack of DVDs that he wants to watch as well as a kite manual he wants to look through. All of these things have been out for multiple days because they are reminders for HIM. Had I left any such thing on the counter it would have been moved and when I asked where to he may or may not remember where he put it "away." If clutter is a reminder, how come I can't have reminders too? Why is my stuff "clutter" and "mess" and his stuff "reminders?" And the most important question, if you put it away and you can't remember where "away" is so you have to re-purchase things, how good is "away?" Sure it is out of sight, but it can no longer be used...what good is that to anyone?

Final sidebar...just because a piece of paper is left out does not make it a coaster. Anything that can remotely absorb water is apparently for use with a glass whether it destroys the thing or not. I personally think this is his own little way to keep me from leaving important papers out as he will use everything from a note to our marriage license as a place to put a glass. Somehow cup rings on our certificate of marriage are less offensive than on a table. I guess I am just too sentimental.

The Dreaded Name Change

There are probably very few men on the planet who can understand the torture of deciding what to do with your name once married. For many women this is a simple issue, one that does not even merit a second thought. For other women, like myself, it is an identity thing that required reflection and careful choosing. Lucky for me, I come from a multi-divorced family so very few people I associate with have my last name at all. Changing my name to reflect oneness with my new husband was an easy choice despite the fact it is better suited for a boy and not all attractive for a girl...Hacker. It does lend itself to a good fantasy football team name though, so I will focus on the positive.

Making the choice was the easy part and I even get to decide how to hyphenate because I can do whatever I want in the age of the "Equality of Names Act 2007," thank you California. This actually hugely worked to my benefit as I did not have to become a Witt Hacker and could do it the other way around. Now begins the arduous process of contacting every credit card company, every social networking site, changing the cell phone voicemail, the home voicemail, the email, the list goes on and on and on. Now all of these freaking things have different rules as to how you can change your name. For some you must wait until you have a photo ID, for others show your marriage certificate and for others still just write a letter. Believe it or not, the ones that I still have yet to change are the ones that require I write a letter. What is this, the prairie days? All the things keeping us connected and saving us time make any small change to your life a monumental undertaking.

In thinking ahead I decided to do everything at once. We were planning on moving, so I would do my big name change in conjunction with my, "guess what we moved announcement." Instead of making things simple, this apparently sends up multiple red flags of massive identity theft threats. Next thing you know all my alerts are letting me know someone must be stealing my name as we speak, not only the new one but the old one too. Sorting through that stack of mail took eons. Needless to say I think I am pretty close to fully transitioning to the Hacker-Witt of it all and I do think it was worth it.

What is it about the TV Running

I am a background noise junky, don't get me wrong. From childhood I was known to have the stereo blaring while I did my homework (no TV in my room, good call, Mom). I fell asleep to music. Of course I set the sleep timer because I used the same system to wake me up in the morning. But oh, my goodness, can there never be a moment of quiet in the house? Why is that so offensive? I know mothers the world over are giving me the finger right now because I have it easy, just one man making noise, but still! How mothers keep there sanity is beyond me.

Let's use the very simple example of right this very second. I decided to come out on our deck to do my work for the day. I had the TV on in the den while I was working, but thought I would rather be outside. I turned OFF the TV and came out here and settled in. Chris just worked the night shift and was unwinding with a little "Wii Time" (he cheats, by the way) and then he came out to say "good night" or "good morning" whichever you prefer. I hardly notice the little noise coming from the TV until it switches from the morning news to JERRRY SPRINGER. Seriously, you cannot possibly ignore that trauma drama in the background. Why when you are going to sleep and you have to make it as dark as night would you possibly leave on such garbage? Not only that but obnoxiously LOUD garbage.

This is one area where I NEVER thought I would have something in common with my Dad. He is hyper-sensitive when it comes to sound and noise. He has turned off the television on me at least once in every trip I have ever taken home because he finds it wholly undoable in the morning. TV is only a nighttime thing in his house. I swear, I am becoming him.

To top it off, Chris likes to fall asleep to the TV. Fine by me, I do too. But the guy who is oh so sensitive about his sleep pattern, sometimes takes hours to fall asleep, insomnia boy, can sleep through a nuclear war once he's out. I consistently wake up to some DVD music on repeat or a really loud preview to a tragically expensive movie. Now, I can sleep anytime, anywhere, so I am not complaining...it wakes me up and I roll right back over after I silence it. I just do not comprehend how this noise does not even disturb him. How it is possible that the "Friends" theme for the millionth time in a row does not permeate his brain and say, "must stop the noise." All in all, I have an entirely new respect for quiet. One I never thought I would have. I guess I am still capable of changing and in good ways :) Thank you, Chris, for making me appreciate my new outside writing experience where I simply hear the fountain and the little bird that keeps popping up to the side of the bushes. Now I sound like Snow White (ugh).

Thanksgiving and all the Trimmings

Chris and I wisely decided to stay put through the holidays. With all the changes in our lives over the past few months it makes much more sense for us to have time to settle in. Add to that the fact he works in a hospital, is the new guy, and is likely to work over the holiday. All in all this seemed like a wise decision and turned out well.

This was not my first introduction to family dynamics, nor was I unaware of the possible misunderstandings of family. But what started as a simple Thanksgiving at home, turned into a full blown who is going where and when fiasco that left my head spinning a bit. It all started by us announcing to my Mother-in-Law that we were going to spend Thanksgiving very low-key and probably have dinner with just Dixie at her home. Dixie is Chris's 97-year-old grandmother who does much better in small groups due to hearing issues and with her developing memory problems, is obviously much more comfortable at home. This was met with, "Fabulous idea." I, of course, told Lynn (MIL) that she should come to make it a truly lovely Thanksgiving, but we really wanted to do the dinner at Dixie's house. Of course, of course, all is well. Then a week later she asks what are plans are again. Chris tells her our plans for a second time, quite clearly that we will be visiting Dixie at her home and Lynn should come so we can all be together.

Imagine my surprise when 2 days before Thanksgiving I get a message from my new Sister-In-Law saying how she and Brett can't wait to see us at Lynn's house on Thanksgiving night. They are doing lunch with her family but will be stopping by to see us...it's been so long. WHAT? I quickly leave a message saying we have no intention of going to Lynn's house. Chris has to work the day before and Thanksgiving Day the graveyard shift so we are having an early dinner with Dixie. Come to find out Dixie will be at Lynn's. Are you kidding me?

I didn't want to step on any toes or cause any problems, but Chris needs to sleep and we had expressed our wishes, so why was everything being changed? And how do I change it back without starting a big family feud? This is one thing you have to figure out when you have been "in-lawed." You have spent your entire life learning the best way to deal with your parents and family and now you have a whole new set of parents to deal with. Come to find out, they do not respond the same way as your family and they have entirely different ways of getting what they want. A whole new map must be built.

Now, I hate to say the universe stepped in to provide me with my way...I think that might be overreaching, but I was annoyed. Then Lynn got a horrible flu. This forced her to stay in Virginia longer and ended with us getting to have a small Thanksgiving at Dixie's house. I did all the cooking and we transported it over, Lynn came cause she was feeling better, and Chris got to sleep as much as possible. I would never wish illness on anyone, but the change in plans provided us with EXACTLY the Thanksgiving we wanted and Lynn even got her split-pea soup. I think it turned out for the best...leaving me thankful for my family and the flu.

Wedding Photos, the Dreaded Decision

So I am not sure how many of you out there have seen the movie "Beaches" or even the old front room of Gabby on Desperate Housewives, but these are the two walls that pop into my mind when I think of narassitic women who put large photos of themselves on their walls. Both these walls were done in retro Andy Warhol style photos, but large montages of just the face of these women. Now seriously, is that what you want in your house? Emphatically NO! But then on the flip side, you have just had these amazing photos taken of you, your hair is done, your make-up is fixed, there is photoshop correcting going on making your arms not look so pudgy, and let's be honest you love the dress and you NEVER, sans pretending to be the corpse bride at Halloween, get to wear it again. It makes sense you would like to display some of your better looking photos, even if they have been somewhat "enhanced." Hey, at least it's just the picture and not irreversible surgery.

I digress. Now you have all these blank walls in your new living room staring at you and the temptation is to fill them with photos or art...in my case mostly photos because I love Ansel Adams-y landscape, outdoorsy stuff. While it takes a bit for you to talk your insane husband out of hanging the Hollywood butt picture (thanks, Mom) in the middle of the living room over the ginormous TV, you are left with how big and where do you put a wedding photo? And what wedding photo? Just the two of you? That seems lame. Family shot? Well that would be easy if you came from the land of Ozzie and Harriet but with two sets of families on both sides along with remarriages, random brothers and sisters, etc, etc, etc, you would need a panorama shot that would look like a mural. Not to mention that it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for all those people to have their eyes open at exactly the same time.

I plow through the photos numerous times and pick a few shots to put up. I also have multi-window frames, and we now have professional shots of many of our friends and family. These seem like the perfect places for these photos and as long as I am not in them with the big cottonball dress, it isn't THAT obvious they are wedding photos. Technically they are RECEPTION photos. There, walls filled lots of smiling faces, everyone happy...great job. You have one of your first guests over. First words out of her mouth, "it's so funny how you have all these wedding photos everywhere." And here I thought I had done a good job. After she left I am running around staring at the photos. I swear there are only 3 of me in the dress...one of them a landscape shot. The rest are reception, rehearsal dinner and other people. I proceeded to throw my pride away and leave the photos up. It's our house anyway!

By the way, the butt picture has found an appropriate home in the bathroom, because really, where else do you hang an enlarged picture of an ass?

The Couch

Women are crazy? Women are indecisive? I beg to disagree. Christopher (yes that is what I call him when he's annoying me) can not seem to keep the same idea from one hour to the next. He will sit in the living room telling you why you cannot possibly take the couch we have and use it in the den. We need someplace where people can sleep. A comfy place to actually have a guest room, we should get a futon.

Fine, logic is there, makes sense, the couch has served its purpose. I proceed to post it on Craigslist.

"You did what!?"

"Posted it on craigslist." I am mildly curious...did he already promise it to someone else?

"You can't get rid of your couch."

Literally one hour previous is when CHRISTOPHER was telling me why I needed to get rid of the couch. You see we are getting a very generous gift from his mother, a new couch, so if it isn't going in the "guest room" we have no place to put it.

"But we are getting a new couch."

"Can't we fit both of them in the living room?"

"Why do we need two couches?"

"I don't know, I just know how much you love it."

That's sweet, so I think for a moment about two couches and start to plan a seating arrangement in my head around the new idea. Now let's keep in mind my couch is a blue, microfiber couch with black piping. I put a pin in the craigslist ad and begin thinking about our options. I am still not working out how this all fits in the living room because Chris wants a sectional, but I am contemplating.

A mere few hours later. Chris comes to me with a list of printed out couches for our new purchase and I do the same. Everyone of my couch options is ruled out because they only come in neutral colors such as "mocha" or "brown." There will apparently not be a brown couch in our new home. Fine.

All of his couches come only in green and all have a recliner, but no chaise, my one requirement for a couch. When I ask why this is:

"No couches have both."

I frantically (cause now I'm getting angry) point at my postings, all of which come with BOTH. I didn't even print any that DIDN'T come with a recliner.

"But they're brown."

"So we can't compromise on the color but we can compromise on the chaise?"

"None have both."

This is when I begin banging my head against the wall because I feel like I am speaking to a dementia patient. What do you mean they don't have both? Here are 15 + examples of couches with BOTH, they just don't come in GREEN.

I understand the art of compromise is a complicated thing. It's a dance most marriages spend a lifetime figuring out and I am sure one person is always a bit more giving than the other. I also understand that Chris has a minimalistic style that I can embrace, but also has a childlike love of just one color and a irrational hatred of another color. As witnessed by our wedding, I love purple, but other than MY new bathroom you don't see me splashing purple all over the house. Purple has it's place as does green. Chris might be a bit spoiled in that realm because green happens to be my second favorite color, so I am not offended and can work within such decorating limitations. But when we can compromise comfort over color I draw the line. It is now that I point out to him he might want to consider what will be more comfortable to sleep on, a recliner or a chaise, because he's likely to spend quite a number of evenings there if this was how compromising works in his world.